• Preparation I: Baked Potato
• Preparation II: Boiled Potatoes
• Preparation III: Mashed Potatoes
• Preparation IV: French Fries

Potatoes are proof that evolution was a good idea. They’re the ideal food. You can boil them, bake them, fry them, or turn them into vodka. Just ask Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings.

Peeling potatoes is time consuming and dramatically lowers the nutritional content of the potato. Lots of really nutritious stuff is just below the peel. We only mention this in case someone tells you that they prefer eating mashed potatoes without bits of peel. It’s more socially acceptable to talk about nutrition than it is to explain about depression coping mechanisms. It shouldn’t be—we should live in a world where mental illness can be discussed openly. But some days it’s easier to talk about nutrition than to be the change, and picking your battles is a life skill for an activist.

If you don’t peel the potatoes—and why would you—make sure you wash off any dirt. Dirt has a terrible texture. Ideally, buy washed potatoes. This is the only problem that capitalism can solve for you.

Preparation I: Baked Potato

In the Oven

• Turn on the oven at 350°F or 175°C or so. Precision is for suckers.
• Put the potato in the oven for three years or until slightly squishy when you poke it with a fork. Rohan, author and professional chef, tells us it takes about an hour, depending on potato size. Experience tells us that it always takes longer than you think.
• Take the potato out of the oven.
• Cut the potato in half and add toppings to both sides. We suggest you use oven mitts or a tea towel or a regular towel to avoid burning your hands.
• If you cook extra potatoes, then you’ll have leftovers you can heat up in the microwave later, or eat cold, or turn into Bubble and Squeak. Adding more potatoes to the oven doesn’t increase the cooking time.
• Baked potato hack: Before putting your potato in the oven, rub it all over with oil and salt. It will make the skin taste like a big delicious potato chip.

In the Microwave

• Poke the skin of the potato a few times with a fork. This is necessary so the steam can escape. If you don’t, the steam will explode out of the skin and coat the inside of the microwave with potato. Also, poking potatoes with a fork is cathartic.
• Microwave until squishy when you poke it with a fork. The internet says 7–10 minutes but it’ll depend on your specific microwave. It will also take longer than you think.
• Cut the potato in half and add toppings to both sides.
• Putting more than one potato in the microwave at once will increase the cooking time.

Toppings You can top a baked potato with anything. Classics include:

• Margarine or butter
• Salsa
• Peanut butter
• Baked beans
• Hummus
• Cheese (cheddar, feta, American pseudo-cheese slices...)
• Red onion
• Sour cream (yogurt also works)
• Tears (of your enemies?)

Preparation II: Boiled Potatoes

On the Stove

• You could boil a whole potato, but it will take a really long time.
• It’s much faster if you chop the potato into chunks.
• Boil the chunks in a pot of water on the stove until squishy.
• Top as described in Preparation I: Baked Potato.

Russian Construction-Worker Potatoes (Microwave Version)

• Cut potato into chunks.
• Put potato chunks in a bowl with a wee bit of water (like a tablespoon or two) at the bottom of the bowl.
• Microwave until edible. Probably the same 7–10 minutes range.
• Add salt.
• Add butter or margarine.
• Stir and eat.

Preparation III: Mashed Potatoes

Steps

• Boil potato chunks or microwave them in a bowl with a wee bit of water.
• Cook until they are extremely squishable, not just regular squishy.
• Squish with fork or with fancy potato masher or with even fancier potato ricer.

Variations You probably shouldn’t add all of these at the same time:

• Add milk, plant milk, or a bit of the water you boiled the potatoes in and mix through.
• Add margarine or butter and mix through.
• Add yogurt and mix through.
• Add chives and mix through.
• Add baked beans on top.

God-Tier: Kinda Like Skordalia

• Take cold mashed potatoes.
• Add cut-up raw garlic.
• Add lemon juice.
• Add olive oil.
• Mix.
• Optional: add yogurt and ground almonds.

Preparation IV: French Fries

Also known as “hot chips.”

Starting with Raw Potatoes or Sweet Potatoes

• Consider your life choices. Raw potatoes are much cheaper than frozen, and they store for a long time in the dark (for example, in the fridge or in the pantry). But they take much longer to cook. And you need to chop them up yourself.
• Wash and chop potatoes. If you chop them into cubes, call them “home fries.” If you chop them into longbois, call them “French fries.” Or “hot chips” in Ireland.

Starting with Frozen-Potato-Substance

• Dig the half-full bag of store-brand French fries out from the bottom of your freezer.

Fries in a Frying Pan

• Add oil to the frying pan. Several glugs. And add more during cooking if the pan looks low. You want enough oil that the bottom of all the potatoes are in oil, but not enough to cover their tops, because that would be deep frying and that’s not Sad Bastard level.
• Add chopped potatoes or whatever frozen-potato-substance you have.
• Cook on medium.
• Stir occasionally. You want to leave it still long enough to get crispy, but not long enough that the bottom turns to charcoal and the fire alarm goes off.
• When it achieves desired crispiness levels, turn off the stove and put the fries on a plate.
• Add salt and enjoy.

Fries in the Oven

• Put the chopped raw or frozen-potato-substance in a pan or on a baking sheet with raised edges.
• Pour a bit of oil over the potatoes. Use your hand to mix the oil and the potatoes on the pan so they all get some.
• Bake at 350°F or 175°C.
• Halfway through cooking, take them out of the oven and stir so both sides get cooked. If you’re cooking a frozen-potato-substance, it might give you a time on the bag. Otherwise, it’s probably about 20–25 minutes, so check on them after every ten minutes or so and give them a stir. Set a timer so you don’t forget and end up with burnt fries.
• When they have reached the desired crispiness level, salt and eat.

Fries in the Microwave

• Put frozen-potato-substance on a plate.
• Microwave until no longer frozen.
• You’re going to want to add more salt than that to make up for the texture.