There are lots of types of white rice, like long-grain, parboiled, basmati, etc. Buy whatever type is the intersection of the Venn diagram of “cheapest” and “I like best.” All white rice (besides instant rice) cooks more or less the same way.

There are other ways to make rice, but if you’re at the point of exploring that particular rabbit hole, you might not need this book anymore.

Core Ingredients

• White rice. Instant or regular, depending on how you want to cook it.

• Water

Preparation I: Instant Rice Instant rice is God’s gift to depressed people who don’t have rice cookers or don’t want to clean one afterwards. It comes in different varieties and tastes more or less as good as most other rice but takes half as long. It’s also impossible to burn, for those of us with a tendency to forget what we put on the stove.

Different types of instant rice will have different instructions, but the method is basically the same.

• Boil water. Let’s assume you do this in a pot on the stove. You will end up using equal parts rice and water, so if you don’t have a measuring cup, you can use a glass or a mug to measure.

• When your water is boiled, put the boiling water and the rice together in the pot. Cover for as long as it says on the box (usually 5 minutes or so). Fluff up the rice with a fork, or whatever utensil you have available, or if you’re in full goblin mode, a stick you found on the ground.

• If you boiled the water in the kettle, there’s no point in getting a pot dirty just to combine the boiling water and rice. Put the rice in a bowl with a plate for a lid. You can eat it out of that same bowl for added effi- ciency.

Preparation II: Rice Cooker Rice cookers are great when you are too tired or depressed to stand over the stove. If you have a person in your life who struggles with depression but likes rice, and it’s getting close to their birthday, we seriously suggest a rice cooker as a gift. Maybe that person is you, and you buy it for yourself. Rice cookers are magical devices that make nice food while you’re back in bed.

The fancy rice cookers with lots of buttons are nice, but the cheap ones with only one button do the job plenty well.

• Wash your rice cooker, because you probably skipped the final step of these instructions last time.

• Add equal parts white rice and water.

• You can add a little extra water if you like it moister.

• Put on the lid.

• Click the start button.

• Come back when it makes the happy “rice is ready!” noise.

• Or not, rice cookers always have a “keep warm” function so it’s fine if you miss the noise.

• The easiest way to clean the rice cooker is to pull out the inner pot, fill it with water, and let it soak. Wash it in the morning. Or right before you use it next.

• If you’re not gonna wash the rice cooker, leave it open so it dries out instead of staying moist and getting moldy.

Preparation III: Rice on the Stove

• Add rice (maybe 1 cup?).

• Add twice as much water as rice (maybe 2 cups?).

• Cook on high heat, without stirring, until the water reaches the top of the rice.

• Cover the rice with the lid and turn off the stove.

• Leave the pot on the stove (with the heat off) for ten minutes or so.

• Come back and there’s rice!

• Word to the wise: It’s easier to cook rice if you make at least one cup of dried rice. If you try to make less, it’s likely to burn. But the more the merrier—leftover rice is really useful. Just keep it in the fridge between meals.

Variations

• You can eat it as is. Plain rice can be really comforting when you’re feel- ing a bit nauseous.

• You can add sauce. Literally any sauce. Soy sauce, salad dressing, hum- mus, pasta sauce, hot sauce.

• You can also add lots of other stuff. We have more rice variations waiting for you in the next few pages.

Brown rice exists but we’re not sure why. Wild rice is amazing but we’re scared in case it cooks differently—it might require paying attention.

You can even
add chocolate
sauce, if you’re
not a coward.
Personally, we
are cowards.